My husband is a funny guy. He has an amazing, keen, varied sense of humor and it's one of my very, very favorite things about him. My grandpa, who shares a first name with my husband, also kept me entertained throughout my life with his similar wit and sense of humor. I knew I wanted to walk through life with someone who could 'laugh at the days to come,' and I was THRILLED that I'd found such a kindred spirit.
I just didn't know that would include sometimes being the patsy.
Perhaps I should have seen it coming. After all, my Grandpa was fond of pranks. Some of the things he got away with while stationed overseas in WWII are epic, legendary. Honestly, though he never said as much (he was very humble), I know he was trying to keep everyone's morale up. He was that kind of guy. My Great-Uncle told me that when he finally came home from the war, he didn't so much as crack a smile for years. Which was worrisome to everyone, because he was such a jolly wit. I'm told his goofiness didn't fully come back until his grandchildren, though it came back in some measure and was present with his children as well. So when I knew him, he was just the calmest yet most fun-loving person I ever knew. We got to experience his jokes, pranks and humor daily. I remember very vividly he had a particular way he'd scoot away in glee after pulling something off. He'd also tell us stories of his past jokes and pranks and fun times. Sometimes, though, I remember being utterly shocked at his antics.
Take, for instance, one Halloween many many years ago. I'm fairly sure it was after he'd married my Grandma but before they'd had children. He and a buddy were driving around for some reason, and noticed that as a Halloween decoration, someone had put a fake, bloodied body in the ditch in front of their house. For some inexplicable reason, it occurred to them that they could pull off an epic prank on their wives. They went home and made much of being worried about some guy they'd seen get hit by a car (or that they'd hit him, I can't remember...) on the side of the road or something, and basically convinced and baited their worried wives to berate them into going back to check. Of course, the bloody body was still there, and of course they pretended to get freaked out that the cops would think it was them and so they drove off, much to their wives' horror...I'm told that when they came clean and showed them that it was fake, they were NOT amused. I remember shaking my head and thinking "I'd never let that happen to me!"
Ohhhh me of the past. How naive you were.
I should have been tipped off that my husband liked to play pranks from the very beginning. He had a game he frequently played in his car, where he'd tap the brakes suddenly or lay on the gas suddenly the moment someone was attempting to take a drink. Why he thought choking to death would be funny I don't know, but that was one of my first impressions of him. Once in our dating phase, we were in a restaurant with a bunch of friends, and he spent a good portion of it flicking ice cubes at me. Little did *I* know he was trying to get it down my cleavage (and I am talking about modest cleavage here, people, the girls weren't hanging out for everyone to see). He succeeded, and was rewarded with quite the reaction. :/
Thing is, I'm a sensitive, reactionary person. And can be quite unintentionally dramatic and "hilarious" in my reactions. He enjoys capitalizing on this. Mostly I am amused by it and play along, making sure that the reaction is worth it. Even when he veers into mean territory, like showing me pictures or videos of squirrels and giant moths (I have a deep fear of both squirrels and moths and good reason for it, but that's another story...). Most of the time, I roll with it. I'm almost desensitized at this point. It's fine, and it's funny, and I love him for it. Just like my Grandpa. Every day he brings humor and joy into our lives. He ALSO has a post-prank hustle. Just like my Grandpa.
SOMETIMES, though, he goes a bit too far, or I am fully unprepared. Just like my Grandpa. :/ The other day we were laughing about something he did and he actually said "You should blog about that!" So, here you go, sweetie. An anthology of some of your worst pranks, or at least pranks gone very wrong due to my high-strung nature! I didn't really know where to begin, because he's played some doozies over the years with mixed success. But I will stick to a small sampling. Maybe someday I'll record more for posterity. First up, a prank he pulled while our relationship was still young:
I was at home, minding my own business, when the phone rang. It was from a number I didn't recognize, and I don't usually answer those. But for whatever reason I did. "Hello, is this..." "yes" "This is Officer Steve. I'm sorry to tell you that your fiancee was in a car accident. He's gone" (or something to that effect). IMMEDIATELY I burst into tears and wails of woe...my love was DEAD?????? It didn't occur to me that the officer wouldn't have known our relationship, and furthermore, there was nothing linking the two of us at the time, so he wouldn't have called me. Nor did it occur to me that the voice was suspiciously familiar. All I knew was that the man I was going to marry was DEAD!! WOE AND AGONY!!!!!
"Uhhh...um...whoops? This IS your fiancee...sorry..." My heart slammed back into my chest and I almost slammed the phone down with it. I considered arranging for him to be in a car accident after all. :P
When we were first married, we rented a little house with a driveway that slanted down into the garage. On either side of the driveway were large bushes. One evening, I was driving home from the store. Happily humming Third Day, I noted that the mister wasn't home yet. I felt nervous as I pulled in, which was normal for me. It was dark. We were in a nice neighborhood but it was still unfamiliar to me and I always felt vulnerable being out at night. I wasn't going to park in the garage, so I stopped in the driveway. No sooner had I put the car in park and shut off the lights when the bushes rustled and WWWHHUUUMP!!!!!!!!!
SOMEONE OR SOMETHING HAD JUMPED ONTO THE HOOD OF MY CAR!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND THIS DARK SHAPE WAS STARING INTO MY SOUL!!!!!!!!
I screamed and screamed and tried to will my waving hands to stop smacking around like a maniac and turn the ignition key and GET THE HECK OUT OF THERE when suddenly I heard laughter...
Yep. It was my husband. He'd parked around the block or something and waited in the bushes for me to come home.
I was not amused.
Has he learned his lesson? Those incidents were both very young into our relationship. Judging from my extreme reaction, you'd think he'd learn not to tax my cardiovascular system so. But nope. A mere few months ago...
I was at the drugstore near our house, talking to him on the phone. I spent maybe a good 1/2 hour or so browsing. I needed to finish up, get in line and pay so I ended the call. When I walked outside, my heart stopped. My car...where was my car? Feeling a rising sense of panic, I tried to recall if I really had parked where I remembered parking. I scanned the nearby parking stalls...nothing! NO CAR! One of my worst fears come true! My car had been stolen!!!
Bursting into tears, and shaking so hard I could barely hang on to my groceries, I asked someone who was hanging around outside "Did you see anyone boost my car?" He looked at me like I was crazy. I paced back and forth as I started to dial 9-1-1. Right at the moment I was about to hit 'call', I got a text or phone call from the mister. I can't remember, because I was beside myself. Either way it put a seed of doubt into my head...and then suddenly I saw him from across the parking lot.
Yep. He'd driven to where I was and moved my car in the far opposite corner of the parking lot. JUST FOR FUNSIES.
In his defense, he'd taken a pic of himself in my car and tried to text it to me, and didn't realize it hadn't gone through. The disgusted look the guy in the parking lot gave him served him right as he sheepishly hugged his sobbing wife. Then Parking Lot Guy gave *me* a withering look as I started laughing like a crazy person and playfully punching him...he was already forgiven.
And in his defense, they don't always work out so poorly. One of the pranks he played on me didn't quite work out the way he planned, but that's ok. It worked out in the end.
Back when we were dating, I was house-sitting for a friend. It was late at night and we were chatting on the phone. He was talking about what he was doing at home. His home was some considerable distance away from where I was. I knew we weren't going to get a chance to visit with each other that night in person, because it was late already.
I was sitting in the livingroom, surrounded by giant black windows. Suddenly, I heard a noise. I looked up from my book, ears trained on the direction of the sound. To my horror, it was the doorknob. Someone was trying the door!!!! SOMEONE WAS TRYING TO GET IN!!!!!!!
My heart in my throat, my breath held, I tiptoed toward the door. I grabbed a very large umbrella that was handy, and peeked out the window. Instantly my fear gave way to anger. WHAT IN THE WORLD. Why was my boyfriend sneaking around! I huffily snapped on the porch light and threw open the door, fully prepared to deck him straight in the face for giving me such a horrible scare. Before I could even get a word out, he apologized for pretending to break in. I was still considering the knuckle-sandwich route when I noticed he was kneeling. My brain skipped, like a needle hitting a scratch on the record. What in the world? He'd just admitted he was trying to break in, and why was he wearing his nice khakis and that Hawaiian shirt? Which, for my husband, was the nicest thing he owned?
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how he proposed to me. Within the space of about a minute, he gave me the chance to experience a full range of extreme emotions...fear, relief, anger, indignation, shock, joy. He's lucky I said yes! Which I did because I loved him very much, AND I thought it was cute that he got 'dressed up', and that it was romantic he'd written a 'script' to be sure he got out all the right words. Which is a big deal for me. Yet, even in romance, he can't help but clown around.
Not to worry, though. As I said, most of the time it's not that extreme. And he's taught me well...I've given him some good scares over the years! His pranks inspire hilarity more often than heart attacks, so that's good. Plus he's so cute, I can't help but forgive him. And now, I have some pretty hilarious stories to relate. Or, pretty horrifying, depending on your point of view. I could be a keynote speaker at a conference or something.
And I love him for it...or at least, despite it. ;) I tell him he still owes me a 'real' proposal, that fake break-ins make for funny stories but not romantic ones. One day. Until then, I'll have to just stay on my toes, and make sure to get a healthy amount of omega 3's. Gotta keep my heart healthy through all of the shocks. ;)
