HOUSES TO AVOID AT HALLOWEEN
* Any house that seems to be imploding into a space-time wormhole.
* Any house made of food.
* Any house whose only entrance goes to the basement.
* Any house where the high tension wires suddenly stop right above it.
* Any house that has ornamental lawn hyenas.
* Any house that growls "get out."
* Any house where the furniture seems to be walking across the living room floor.
* Any house that looks like a giant pulsating orb floating 3 feet off the ground.
* Any house with various and extremely realistic statues in the front yard of people in odd "running away" poses.
* Any house that wasn't there only a minute ago.
THREE VAMPIRES AT A BAR
Three vampires went into a bar and sat down. The barmaid came over to take their orders. "And what would you, er, gentlemen like tonight?"
The first vampire said, "I'll have a mug of blood."
The second vampire said, "I'll have a mug of blood."
The third vampire shook his head at his companions and said, "I will have a glass of plasma."
The barmaid wrote down each order, went to the bar and called to the bartender, "Two bloods and a blood light!"
CINDERELLA'S FELLA
A man is driving home late one Halloween night and is feeling very horny. As he is passing a pumpkin patch, his mind starts to wander. He thinks to himself, you know a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there is no one around here for miles.
He pulls over to the side of the road, picks out a nice juicy looking pumpkin, cuts the appropriate size hole in it, and begins to screw the pumpkin. After a while he is really into it, and doesn't notice the police car pulling up.
The cop walks over and says, "Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?"
The man looks at the cop in complete horror, thinks fast and says, "A pumpkin? Is it midnight already?"
TRICK OR TREATING ... BY THE SIGN
Aries pushes the others aside to get to the door first.
Taurus will only eat the finest of Swiss chocolates.
Gemini goes around the neighborhood once, changes costumes and goes around again.
Cancer stays at home and gives candy to the other trick-or-treaters.
Leos plan their costume for months, then won't go out because someone else had the same idea.
Virgo wears a neatly-pressed suit and tells everyone they're a bookkeeper.
Libra is still standing in front of the closet trying to decide on a costume.
Scorpio isn't in it for the candy.
Sagittarius will manage to wander to the next town.
Capricorn makes a list of all the houses that give good candy and the optimal route to take.
Aquarius builds the costume out of spare flashlights and spends all night tinkering when it shorts.
Pisces skips the whole thing to compose poetry to the Moon.
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Q. What songs does Dracula hate? A. "You Are My Sunshine" and "Sunshine on my Shoulders.
Q. What did the Mummy movie director say when the final scene was done? A. Ok, that's a wrap.
Q. How does a girl vampire flirt? A. She bats her eyes.
Q. What is a vampires least favorite food? A.Steak
Q. What's it called when a vampire has trouble with his house? A. A grave problem.
Q. Why doesn't anybody like Dracula? A. He has a bat temper.
Q. Why did Dracula go to the dentist? A. He had a fang-ache.
Q. Why are vampires like false teeth? A. They all come out at night.
Q. Who does Dracula get letters from? A. His fang club.
Q. What kind of key does a skeleton use? A. A skeleton key.
Q. What kind of gum do ghosts chew? A. Boo Boo Gum.
Q. Why did Dracula take cold medicine? A. To stop his coffin.
Q. Why does Dracula wear patent leather shoes? A. Sandals don't look good with his tuxedo.
Q. How do you keep a monster from biting his nails? A. Give him screws.
Q. What can't you give the headless horseman? A. A headache.
Q. Why did the headless horseman go into business? A. He wanted to get ahead in life.
Q. What is a ghosts favorite sale? A. A white sale.
Q. What kind of tie does a ghost wear to a formal party? A. A boo-tie.
Q. What's a ghosts favorite desert? A. Boo-berry pie.
Q. What type of dog does every vampire have? A. Bloodhound!
Q. What's a monsters favorite desert? A. I-Scream!!
Q. 1ST PERSON: KOCK,KOCK 2ND PERSON: WHO'S THERE 1ST PERSON: PHILLIP 2ND PERSON: PHILLIP WHO ? 1ST PERSON: ÊFILL UP MY BAG WITH CANDY !!! 2ND PERSON: HA,HA,HA (LOL) Q. Why do girl ghosts go on diets? A. So they can keep their ghoulish figures.
Q. When does a ghost have breakfast? A. In the moaning.
Q. What do ghosts drink at breakfast? A. Coffee with scream and sugar.
Q. Where does a ghost go on vacation? A. Mali-boo.
Q. Where does a ghost go on Saturday night? A. Anywhere where he can boo-gie.
Q. Where did the ghost get it's hair done? A: At the boo-ty shop.
Q. Riddle: the maker does not want, it the buyer does not use it, and the user does not see it, what is it? A. a coffin.
Q. What do they teach in witching school? A. Spelling.
Q. Why does a witch ride a broom? A. Vacuum cleaners get stuck at the end of the cord.
Q. What do you call a witch's garage? A. A broom closet.
Q. What do you call two witches living together? A. Broommates.
Q. Why don't mummies take vacations? A. They're afraid they'll relax and unwind.
Q. What is a witch's favorite subject in school? A. Spelling
Q: Why can't Boy Ghosts make babies?? A: Because they have Hollow-Weenies!
Q. Why did the man with a knife in his head cross the street? A. He was dying to get to the other side!!
Q. Where do ghosts go out? A. Where they can get boooooo-ze.
Q. Where do ghosts go out? A. Where they can get sheet-faced.
Q. What did the mother ghost say to her kids in the car? A. Fasten your sheet belts.
Q. Why didn't the skeleton go to see a scary movie? A. He didn't have the guts.
Q. What did the corpse' mom do when her son was bad? A. Ground him
Q. Why was the mummy so tense? A. Because he was all wound up.
Q. Why did the vampire need mouthwash? A. Because he had bat breath.
Q. Why don't ghost have bands? A. They get booooooooooed.
Q. What do you call a monster who poisons corn flakes? A. A cereal killer.
Q. Who are some of the werewolves cousins? A. The whatwolves, the whowolves and the when wolves.
Q. What did the bird say on Halloween? A. Trick or tweet!
Q. Why do skeletons drink milk? A. To help their bones!
Q. What's a Vampire's least favourate song? A. Another one bites the dust!
Q. What is a Skeleton's favorite song. A. Bad to the Bone
Q. Whats a ghost's favorate type of car? A. A boo-ick
Q. Where do ghost go for fun? A. To the boo-vies
Q. What's a skeletons favorite part of the house? A. the living room
Q. What did the teenage witch ask her mother on Haloween? A. Can i have the keys to the broom tonight.
Q. What do u get when theres a witch in the desert? A. You get a sandwich.
W. Why do ghosts like to ride elevators? A.it raises their spirits.
Q. Why can't a Skeleton Lift Weights? A. He's all bone & no muscle.
Q. What is a vamire's favorite fruit? A: A necktarine
Q. What do the skeletons say be for eating? A. Bone appetite
Q. What do gosts call there girl friends? A. There goul friends.
Q. How did the ghost say goodbye to the vampire? A. So long sucker!
Q. What did the goblin say to the witch? A. I don't know you tell me!
Q. Why dident the skeleten go to the halloween party? A. Becuse he had no body to go with.
Q. What is a ghost's favorite band? A. The Boos Brothers
Q. What did Dracula have for dessert? A. Whine & Ice scream
Q. What is Dracula's favorite restaraunt? A. Murder King
Q. What is a Ghost's favorite food? A. HamBoogers
Q. What is in a ghost's nose? A. Boogers
Q. What was the mummies' vacation like? A. Nobody knows. They were too wrapped up to tell us.
Q: What did tha boy ghost say to the girl ghost? A: You are the most booooooooo-tiful thing I have ever seen!
Q. Why does a cemetery have to keep a fence around it? A. Because people are dying to get in.
Q. What do you give to a pumpkin who is trying to quit smoking? A. A pumpkin patch!!!
Q. Where do vampires keep their money? A: The blood bank!!!
Q. Who are some of the were-wolves cousins? A. The what-wolves and when-wolves.
Q. What did Dracula say after reading all these jokes? A. They suck! (or they bite!)
Why don't angry witches ride their brooms?
They're afraid of flying off the handle
Who won the skeleton beauty contest?
No body
What do skeletons say before they begin dining?
Bone appetit !
Where do baby ghosts go during the day?
Dayscare centers
Who did Frankenstein take to the prom?
His ghoul friend
What's a monster's favorite play?
Romeo and Ghouliet
What do witches put on their hair?
Scare spray
What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost?
Bamboo
What kind of mistakes do spooks make?
Boo boos
What kind of cereal do monsters eat?
Ghost-Toasties
What has webbed feet, feathers, fangs and goes quack-quack?
Count Duckula
What does Tweety Bird say on Halloween?
Twick or Tweet
Where do spooks water ski?
On Lake Erie
What happened to the guy who didn't pay his exorcist?
He was repossessed
What does a ghost eat for lunch?
A BOO-logna sandwich
Where do mummies go for a swim?
To the dead sea
What's the ratio of a pumpkin's circumference to its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi
Where do ghosts buy their food?
At the ghost-ery store
Where do ghosts mail their letters?
At the ghost office
What's a ghosts favorite ride at the carnival?
The roller ghoster
How do you mend a broken Jack-o-lantern?
With a pumpkin patch
When does a skeleton laugh?
When something tickles his funny bone
Why was the mummy so tense?
He was all wound up
