Sometimes I imagine my brain like an egg. If you cracked it open, I wonder what would flow out–colors, memories, faces, places, and thoughts that I’ve yet to discover, maybe a little bit of everything.
One interesting thing about coming to a new city is that to everyone else, I am a new person, but to myself, I am the same. I know my secrets, stories, and background. I can change, but I don’t really notice myself changing until I see someone from my past, and I realize that the comfort that accompanied our relationship is no longer there. No one besides me notices the change, though. I feel it…I drown in it.
I can feel autumn in the air. It’s slowly creeping into Texas, but I wish that creeping would turn into a rushing. I miss the bite of the cold mountain air and the crispness of an October night. When autumn comes, memories come with it. I remember the sounds of high school football games. I remember walking back up to the band room after a game, and holding hands with someone for the first time, or wrapping myself in my boyfriend’s large letterman jacket, and it swallowing me whole. But I felt safe–safe and happy. I still remember the smell of the letterman…axe deodorant and the trunk of a 90-something Toyota Corolla…
I miss the football games, the walk to the band room, the hand encasing mine…
Autumn is the closest I get to that feeling now. I anxiously await it. With it comes memories that I like to sift through and hold close. I breathe it in. I immerse myself in it and let it swallow me.
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Have you ever wanted to love someone so badly that it hurts? I want to push myself to love Ian the way he loves me. I know somewhere, deep down, the capability is there. I’m not sure why I can’t/don’t reach deep down and grab it. It may be fear, it may be laziness. I’m not really sure.
Ian and I had a talk the other night that allowed me to explain to him my feelings about Chris. It was the first time I was ever really honest about him. I mean I was never dishonest, but I never explicitly told him, either. The feelings that are still floating around shouldn’t be there anymore, but they are. Every time I get a snapchat from him, I can’t help but smile. I get those butterflies that have been in a deep sleep since February 14, 2010. I miss the familiarity, and I miss my friend. I miss the insane amounts of raw passion.
Life has a funny way of jerking you away from what you think you need and showing you what you really need. Just when I think I’m ok with what I have in my life, something comes up that pushes me to think that there may be something else worth pursuing.
I don’t know what path I’m going down now…but I hope it’s a good one.
Source:
http://iamlg19.wordpress.com/2013/10/06/autumn/
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