With the New Year just a few hours away, Sarah Palin is surely working on her New Year’s Resolutions. She obviously didn’t take my suggestions in 2012 or 2011 /, but I’m sure this third time is a charm. Palin might consider these resolutions for 2014:
1. I will give Trig back to his real mother.
2. If I give another speech for the NRA I’ll make them pay for my time. Why should I treat them any better than any other charity?
3. I won’t use the word “slavery” but will limit my comments to the “chains of oppression.”
4. I will go to church the one time that I promised to go last year.
5. I’ll shave my head so the wigs will fit better.
6. I’ll continue to talk about 2016 as a time I might run for President.
7. I’ll have my attorney tell the Anchorage Police Department to issue a Press Release to Homeland Security telling them that there is no evidence that Todd is a pimp, that he hid the evidence in his pockets, and that there are no pictures of any part of Todd that depicts him as anything other than a single color.
8. I’ll tell the film office in Anchorage that my new reality show will qualify for a film tax credit.
9. I’ll make Bristol take dancing lessons.
10. I’ll make the sign of the cross before commenting on the Pope.
11. I will send those monthly checks on time, especially those to Meg Stapelton, Officer Mew, and Dr. Cathy Balwin Johnson.
12. I will hire a “ghost” writer for my new book Trick or Treat: Putting the Candy Back Into Halloween.
13. I’ll get Christine O’Donnell to agree to lend her picture for the cover of my new book.
14. I won’t start anything new so I won’t quit.
15. I will get a library card so it will look like I read.
16. I’ll send Kim Jong-un a sympathy card for the death of his uncle.
17. I will find out who Nelson Mandella was.
18. I’ll buy another home, this time in Colorado. Colorado is the only state that seems to recognize my constitutional right to get high.
19. I’ll just quit wearing underwear, so bloggers won’t joke about who washes them.
20. If I waive men’s underwear on national television, I’ll make sure they are washed first.
21. I’ll never fly on an Asiana, but if I do I won’t agree to fly if the pilot has any of these names:
22. I’ll read the book recommended by Ted Cruz.
23. I’ll consult with Rob Ford explaining how to lie.
24. I’ll write down my secret recipes for the girls.
a. Word Salad
b. Boiled Bear Brains
c. Colorado Brownies
d. Moose Eyeball Jelly
e. Polar Bear Pizza
f. Mama Grizzly Gingerbread Bears
g. Gold Digger Nuggets
h. Taco Bell Extravaganza
i. Tundra Trifle
j. Moose Mousse
Source:
http://malialitman.wordpress.com/2013/12/30/sarah-palins-2014-new-years-resolutions/
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