| Best List of Sarcastic Sayings about Living and Men | e-Forwards ... May 19th 2012, 05:52  Spring is the beginning of allergy season, and I'm allergic…to blooming idiots.- I tried hypnosis to quit smoking. Now every time I light up I quack like a duck.
- I'm never depressed by rain. I was depressed long before it started raining.
- Time for the annual parade of goofy-looking, overblown characters filled with gas. Or as I call them, relatives.
- I'd consider hormone replacement therapy, but I've got a bunch of other things that need to be replaced first.
- I keep hitting "escape," but I'm still here.
- Some people can have all the lights on and still be in the dark.
- Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, To understand a man. Love, To forgive him and; Patience, For his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength I'll just beat him to death.
- Butt jiggle is just my little way of..Waving goodbye!
- I'm out of bed and I made it to the keyboard. What more do you want?
- Get hooked up to high-speed Internet. It crashes a lot faster now.
- On Labor Day, if one of my relatives sees a shadow, they all quit working for six weeks.
- Few women admit their age. . . few men act it!
- Here's a go home remedy, Go Home. Hey. it'll make me feel better!
- Even doctors make mistakes. Mine asked me to undress.
- I find it helps to organize chores into categories: Things I won't do now; Things I won't do later; Things I'll Never Do…
- Sometimes I send out for pizza just to see if I can figure out what new place they've hidden the cheese.
- I love a brisk walk breeze, especially when the leaves blow into the neighbors yard.
- I have a holiday tradition — renting a holiday feel-good movie and refusing to feel good.
- have my own phone feature: call ignoring.
- I can never remember–is it "pass a cold and spread the flu" or "pass the flu and spread a cold"?
- I tried paying my taxes with a smile. They wanted money.
- Springtime reminds me of the ex. Especially when I'm pruning out the dead wood.
- My idea of a triple is pullin' three muscles at once.
- Trust me. Tight-fit jeans and loose-fit skin are a bad combination.
- Ever feel like you've had too much coffee? Me neither.
- People who use unbearably long greetings on their answering machines deserve to hear the longest, loudest burp I can give 'em.
- Fall makes me grumpy. In that way, it reminds me of winter. And spring. And summer.
- Maybe I'll wake up on the right side of the bed tomorrow…And maybe I won't!
- My idea of a hot romance novel is one you use for fireplace kindling.
- Why go through all the trouble of carving scary faces into pumpkins when you can just thumb through the family photo albums?
- It's the Christmas shopping season–time for my bank balance to go south for the winter!
- Those one-shoulder tops are great if you're too lazy to shave both armpits.
- The great thing about trading stocks on the Internet is that if you lose your shirt, you probably have another one hanging right there in your closet.
- I have to take so many vitamin supplements now that I'm too full to eat any actual food.
- Work through lunch? I don't even work through work.
- I want to be treated like a queen. Just not Marie Antoinette.
- I wasn't going to do anything today…..and so far I'm right on schedule!
- Sometimes wouldn't you like to just put the whole day in your toilet……and then flush!
- Isn't it a little embarrassing to live in a country started by people who buckled their hats?
- Wipe your mouth, there's still a tiny bit of bullshit around your lips.
- I'm ready to listen. . . are you ready to think?
- Why don't you slip into something more comfortable. . . like a coma.
- Never go to bed angry. . . stay up and plot your revenge!
- Have a nice day! (someplace else)
- Don't believe everything you think.
- Well aren't you just the most adorable black hole of need.
- Shhhh. . .that's the sound of nobody caring what you think.
- Did you eat an extra bowl of stupid this morning?
- I don't know what your problem is. . . but I bet it's hard to pronounce.
- Don't make me use UPPERCASE.
- If you have something to say raise your hand and place it over your mouth.
- Before you came along we were hungry. . . now we're fed up!
- You're not yourself today…I noticed the improvement immediately!
- Would you like some cheese to go with that whine????
- I'm busy now can I ignore you some other time???
- Don't let your mind wander. . . it's too small to be let out on its own.
- You really are as pretty as a picture. . . I'd like to hang you.
- I'd like to give you a going-away present…first, do your part.
- I hear you changed your mind at last. . . what did you do with the diaper?
- I'd like to help you out. . . which way did you come in?
- There is no vaccine against stupidity!
- Life is TOO short to dance with ugly men.
- I'm going south for the winter.. actually… some parts of me… are headed there already!
- I think of hot-air ballooning as the most fear you'll ever experience in a wicker basket.
- Father's Day is a chance for dads everywhere to fall asleep on the couch in a new tie.
- I had some no-fat cheese on a pizza and it took me back…to the first time I ate paste.
- What do I want out of life? You–out of my life. Now!
- There's a good reason why they charge so much for tickets to professional sporting events. Fans are gullible.
- You learn something new every day. Usually, how dumb yet another person is.
- I like to keep my lawn perfect–no matter how much I have to yell at the kid who cuts it.
- I love cooking outdoors! No smoke alarms!
- Softball has got to be my favorite summertime activity. I get a kick out of bald, paunchy guys who think they're still athletes.
- Fashion magazines are society's way of saying "If you don't feel inadequate already, read one of these!"
- The problem with riverboat gambling is that you can't tell if you're queasy from losing your money or getting seasick.
- The only thing wrong with public transportation is that it involves the public.
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