Okay, time to face the music. I was going to label this post SHAME but after talking to my dear friend Haley, I reconsidered. I really don't know where to begin. I guess I will start with last Wednesday. I was on cloud 9. I was loving my job and my students. Some of them took me around Rengo after school and I bought a cool scarf and mittens and a Baluarte sweatshirt. I was telling them that I was starting to be really unhappy living with Patty because she was so overbearing and pushy. Joaquin invited me to his house for a snack and told me his grandmother lived next door and was a widow with two extra beds that has housed foreigners before. I said well let's go talk to her then! As soon as I walked in I was delighted. Its a beautiful house with paintings on the wall and new things! Completely opposite of the shithole I'd been living in. She said she was a painter and would teach me how to paint. I told her I needed a place to stay because my house was too expensive and she said okay you live here! I couldnt believe it! I went home skyped with my parents about my new adventure and excitement and went to bed a happy camper. The next day at school was just as good. I love my students so much and they love me. When I got home I walked to Patty's room to tell her I'd be moving out. She was sitting on her bed knitting and said "Estoy preoccupado, neccessito hablar contigo, pero despues." Which means I need to talk to you but I am busy now, so later. I said okay I need to talk to you too. I left and went to the post office and the grocery store and the bakery. When I got home she immediately called a meeting at the table and sat me and Kirsty down and said all in Spanish that we had a big problem. I cannot relay this moment to you, you'd had to be there but I will try. It was gut wrenching, angering, saddening, frightening, absurd, and down right unbelievable. Patty tore me apart. She used everything she could possibly think of to cut me over the next two hours. She complained that I again broke her garbage can, used a white towel in the bathroom to wipe up water that I wasn't suppose to, had friends over for the rodeo and we were drunk and shut the door a little too loud, she was upset that I didn't say good-night to her two nights in a row, she said I was taking advantage of her, that I put up pictures from my students and of my friends on my bedroom wall using tape with out asking her. That she has helped me so much and shouldn't of because I am a bad person, a liar, and a thief. She complained that she's had to go to the post office with me, help me with my bed bugs bites. She was upset that after one weekend when I arrived home from Santiago and was trying to talk talk talk with me, that I told her that "Despues fiesta en Santiago no me gusta hablando en Espanol y tener once. Nessecito un dia para solo mi porque es dificil" Which means Patty when I come back from partying in Santiago I don't like to talk in Spanish and have tea time, I need one day for me alone because its tooooo much. She found this extremely rude. All of these things. The manipulation in it all is astounding, because she never once said it was bad that my friends were here for the rodeo and that we drank, and I made sure to ask her it was okay like 6 times, when she saw my pictures on the bedroom wall she said "Que Lindo" which is "how nice," when I told her I wanted a day to relax and sleep after partying she said, "ok, esta bien" which is okay that's fine. Now all of a sudden they were all problems. Everytime I tried to talk she would cross her arms, be ridiculously condescending and say "No entiendo!" which is I don't understand. I tried to remind her of all the times I always said thank you. I brought up the fact that I bought her a pair of earrings, I'd bring cake home for her from the bakery. Sometimes I would stop and buy carmel corn on my way home from a vendor on the street just for her. Nothing was good enough. She actually scoffed at all these examples. At this point, I was shaking and crying. The old Autumn would of tore this bitch a new asshole and possibly punched her in the face. I wanted to hurt her so bad, but the new me was just too hurt myself. I walked into the kitchen and she followed me in my face relentless. I put my hand up and pleaded, "no hablando para ti ahora, terminar!" She kept saying, this is my house, this is my house. Kirsty was in awe. I was crying. Finally when she assalted me for the last time I said "Fuck you Patty." I kind of said it under my breathe because it needed to come out, yet I was apprehensive. My phone rang and it was Bruce. I went outside thinking I was going to have to explain this whole shit to him because Patty made sure to tell me she called him earlier in the day to tell him what a shitty person I am. Just when I thought my night couldnt get any worse he said the unthinkable. He was like "You have two options, either A you can resign or B it will be coming to you." I can't remember ever being threatened before but I think this was it. He kept going on and said, "I will email you a template letter and you can send it to Carmen Luz. We will pay you for half the month and I will pay you the rest. I've tried to save you but I can't anymore." I was in shock as I looked out the window at the pink sky. I lost my stomach somewhere and said," Uhm what are you talking about, youre going way too fast, what is happening?!" He kept repeating, "You don't know, you don't know?" "NO! I don't can you please tell me?!" This went on for twenty mintues. I begged him an explanation, I asked if it was because I was late a few times, was it the way I dressed, were my lessons bad? He wouldn't give me an inch and said I was lying. Again these people are questioning my character. I may be some things, but a liar I am not. I never have been, and it hurts to think that people think this. Especially because of all the things I've learned about myself and how proud of the person I am and am becoming, this seemed to just wipe all the progression away. I sat on the bench outside drinking whiskey, chain smoking, terrified to go upstairs, terrified to even breathe really. I racked my brain trying to think of any reason this could be happening. Kirsty assured me it had to do with Patty because what were the odds. I thought back to the incident I had with a student when I first arrived. It happened 8 weeks ago. A 16 year old female student called me a slew of spanish names in the middle of class one being a puta, which is a slut, and I flipped out. I didn't say anything to her. I asked her for her name and she wouldn't give it to me. I went to write a note in the teachers log that this girl needed to be punished, because I didnt know how and my co-teacher Claudia didn't know either. I was mortified, and super astonished at the lack of respect, and all her little gangbangers were laughing at me, I had'nt been that humiliated in awhile, if not ever. So I did a horribly stupid thing and I wrote that this one girl was being a bitch in the book. Partly because I wanted to call her one, partly because I didnt know what else to call her, and partly because Claudia, the day before had asked me when and why you use that word. I told her it was to describe a person who is mean, out of line or rude basically. So I thought this would be a perfect lesson for her. Some of you are probably thinking "Oh Autumn what the hell were you thinking?!" Some of you are probably chuckling thinking you wouldn't expect anything less, I don't know. The funny thing is I forgot about it and no one said anything about it. The only thing that was said, was the next morning one of the staff asked me if I wrote it, I said yes and he simply said, "Please don't write in the book, it's government property." I said alright and never thought of it again. So! I went to Rengo the next morning after not sleeping at all, and begging Buddha to help me understand. My principal said that there were a few complaints from the older kids that I was too loud and strict. Well boo fucking hoo. There are only two classes that I have to yell in and that is 7B and IIIA. I cried to her and told her how much I want this job and love this job and that even though some classes are difficult I do not want to give up, she said she'd talk to Carmen Luz about it. I called Carmen Luz and she said there was one letter of complaint written and they just didnt think I was a "good fit" I asked her if one complaint from three hundred students was going to ruin this whole thing and that when she observed me teaching twice if she saw any reason for me to lose my job and she said No, she'd talk to the principal. I was hopeful but starting to feel like it was way easier for these people to dismiss me than to figure out the problem. I came home and Patty looked at me and said with the meanest smirk, "No mas classes en Rengo Ya?" and walked away not caring about my answer. I know that bitch had something to do with me getting fired and I want to push her infront of a bus, break all her garbage cans, tape pictures on every wall and dirty all her fucking towells. I hate Patty. I've never been exposed to a woman of her nasty caliber. It kind of makes me angry that I've lost my mean revenge streak because it's not satisfying at all, but I am terrifed of bad karma! I remember one day I was driving down a street in Green Bay, probably driving past Shawn's house to stalk him, and I seen someone's porch decoration in the middle of the street, I pumped the break to stop and save them, but there were cars behind me so I kept going, and I still regrett that. I feel terrible that I didn't save those porch decorations because if they were mine, I would of appreciated a stranger's resque alot. So I miss my kids. All I can do is appreciate the three months I had and everything they gave me. I realized that I am going to be a good mom because these past few weeks I've been eating up the hugs, instead of shying away from them. I am heartbroken. I cried and cried. I went to Santiago to try and forget about my woes for awhile. I went to the Jammin Club where I experienced some serious crazy attention. I couldn't walk a step without getting passed a joint or an offer for a beer. I got hit on from Ludacris and his Legend of Bagger Vance friend. Carrie and I talked to them what seemed like forever without understanding a fricken word they were saying! Well, I did understand that I had pretty eyes and sexy lips and he kept rubbing my arm. I tried and tried to eat it up but I didn't like it. I couldn't understand why these fools didn't understand what I was saying! I know my Spanish sucks, but I can normally survive a conversation. Finally I looked at Carrie and she looked at me and was like, "dude these guys are from fucking Brazil! They are speaking Portuguese and that's why we can't understand them!" I laughed so fricken hard, so so hard. She kept talking and five minutes later I was like "dude, what did he say?" I thought she'd cracked the code, and she replied, "I have no fucking idea!" LOL oh my god it was so funny. So we took two steps away and here comes LL Cool J and his posse from the Dominican Republic! This boy was pretty and he wanted me so bad. He didn't look like LL but he kept licking his lips and flirting with me using his eyes and tried so hard to dance with me but I couldn't keep up. Shit I am a lame dancer, and his whole posse had the moves. He kept asking me why I was so safe, and I was honest and told him that he was a boy and boys scare me, so he had a legit conversation with me to try and change my mind. He was telling me that we are in Chile, and how do you know if you don't try, and there's no reason to be anything other than happy so why don' t I just give him 5 minutes. LOL! He was smooth and right. I assured him that I was happy in which case he challenged, "Prove it! Show me!" I was tempted but yet reserved. He followed me all night, getting real close and touching me. I wanted to, and I didn't. I kept thinking he is probably an amazing kisser but do I really want this dude to be the dude I kiss after Shawn? Lame, I know. Carrie and I made our way up to the front by the huge speakers and I was in such a trance dancing and the vibrations off the massive speakers were making my hair blow, and vibrating on my ass. It was great, four more guys pulled us on the dance floor, and bought us beers. You could tell they were trying to see which one of us was more easy and when they realized it was Carrie they fought for her. She was like, "lets get out of here, should we brave through this crowd?" Which was really intimidating. We were like baby when she walks into that underground dance sex fest after carrying a watermelon. I said "Carrie our fucking hair is blowing in the wind, of course! Lead the way!" It was a great great night and as I left I said, maybe I should of kissed that boy. Carrie was like dude! do you want that because you can have that easily! She grabbed my shoulders and pep talked me for ten minutes. "Autumn you need to let go. Just let go! You can do this, he obviously wanted to kiss you, you don't have to do anything else, just let go!" she repeated it ten times. "Just jump Autumn! You can do that, just jump" God I wanted to so bad but all I could say was "I can't, I just can't Carrie, I am sorry, I want to so bad, but I just can't!" I don't have words for the feeling, becaue I don't know what it is. I half regret it. I don't know what my problem is. I later talked to Suzi and told her my dilema, and said, "Either I don't have a promiscouous bone in my body or I am still in love with your fucking brother." She replied, "Well judging by your halloween costumes involving Cher and plastic tits, I am gonna say you know the answer to that." Whatever. So Saturday I slept all day pretty much, had Benet over to my new adorable friend Fernanda's house and downed an entire bottle of reisling and slammed a beer. By the time I met up with Matt and Dima I was wasted. I apparently kissed the taxi driver, broke a table in half at Sam's B-day Party when I sat on it (humiliating), and spilled beer everywhere after I continued to drink a 40 and slammed a shot of pisco. At this point I had to make myself puke three times. I slightly remember a convo I had with Dima where he was trying to convince me I wanted his cock and I assured him that if I did infact want his dick that I would of had it already because he's a slut. I grabbed his dick about five times and told him I wanted his brain instead. He reminded me that our night of the earthquake was romantic and I kissed him on the cheek. I think thats where I landed anyway. Matt walked me home with him and we got pizza. Then stopped at a gas station where I bought a hard boiled egg and gummy bears. LOL. He was so sweet, pulled out the couch bed for me and I passed out. We woke up the next day and me, Matt, Benett, Josh, and Sean and Sean went to go see the Avengers and then to the mall to the food court where I actually had Taco Bell!! It wasn't the same but it was good. I love hanging with the guys, Josh is so funny! There was this singer that got up in the middle of the court and started a show with flashing lights so we went and danced and acted like crazed fans! I had to head back to Rancagua and get some things to come back the next day to job search with Fernanda so I told them I had to go and left. I get confused in the metro because some stops have combinations and you have to make sure you walk down the right corridor and then when your at the right corridor you have to make sure you're standing on the right side that is going in your direction! I was in the right corridor but not the right side and all of a sudden Sean was like Hi Autumn and all five guys turn and look at me like wtf we left you 15 minutes ago what are you doing here!? I was so embarrassed! LOL I acted like I def knew where I was going and just didn't want them to know and lost them again! Damn it! I came back to Santiago the next day and printed off 7 resumes. Ferni and I spent the entire day handing them out. I got some call backs and I have four interviews tomorrow all for teaching English and one for being a nanny. I hope they work out. The last thing I want to be doing right now is preparing for a new job and learning how to manuever around Santiago but I don't have a choice. I don't want to just give up and come home, I want to give it a try. I feel like this happened because I was too comfortable and I needed a bigger challenge to show myself how strong I am. Kendal told me I was being tested and that hit home. I always wanted to move away but never did because I didn't have anyone to do it with. I always want to do an adventure but am to scared to do it alone, I need someone, and even though I came here alone, I met 20 other people in the same boat so that wasn't as scary. This boat however I am in alone in. If I can do this I can do alot. Like maybe finally move to Colorado or San Fransisco. I ran from problems at home and new problems found me. I cannot hide that easily and even though I may not of deserved it or even if I did, I will be okay and I will learn from it. I think sometimes when I think that I am not strong enough or independent enough, I actually am, and this lesson is to show me that its okay to lean on others. Right now I have to rely on the help of friends and contacts I've made by chance and I don't like that. I don't like crashing on Ferni's couch or using Krissy's help to find jobs or Dan's advice on what neighborhood to live in because I feel like a burden but I shouldn't. Its resourcefulness, networking, living. There has got to be a silver lining and like Haley said, one day, I am sure I'll be laughing telling the story of when my bitch host ma kicked me to the curb for breaking a garbage can, and I was forced to resign for calling a student a bitch!
