Despite the fact that the overwhelming majority of people and those odd little tests seem to think that we are having a boy, the only names that we have wholly decided on so far are for girls. We have two of them, in fact.
And if you think I'm sharing those names with you, you're off your rocker. They be locked up tighter than a steel bear trap. Those are OURS!
But I do find it funny just how difficult we've found it to be to come up with boys names. There is always some reason or another why we don't want to use this name or that.
- Oh, that name reminds me of the kid that bullied me in grade school.
- That one is the same name as that jerk at work.
- That one makes for a terrible acronym when you look at the initials.
- This one is totally like that kid I student taught that used to run around yelling, "boys have penises, girls have vaginas!" (okay, I took that one from Kindergarten Cop; but I totally would not name my son after him)
After a while, this whole weird naming thing that you see going on in Hollywood starts to make sense.
- Cocoa? Awesome! Who doesn't love Cocoa, be it the warm liquid variety or the variant of Pebbles cereal? It's awesome. And, as a result, David Arquette and Courtney Cox's kid receives instant love based solely on their name.
- Apple? I love apples! I love apple picking in the fall! I love warm apple cider! Apple pie, along with baseball, are the very definition of Americana! Therefore, Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin's kid is the one every other kid wants to be friends with because they all love apples!
- Blue Ivy? Okay, that one's just messed up. Unless, of course, Beyonce and Jay-Z were planning to raise Batman's next arch nemesis.
I think Katie and I need to do something similar to this. We need to take a word or name of a product or other loved item and turn it into our son's name.
To this end, I've come up with a few ideas and I'd like to run them by you:
- Caramel - Warm and ooey gooey good! A natural fit to be best friends with Apple Paltrow-Martin.
- Raisin - I don't care what people say, I like raisins. With peanut butter on a celery stick? It reeks of a great Halloween costume.
- Chewy - Chewy Apgar. Need I say more. Maybe he'll grow up to co-pilot the Millennium Falcon.
- Granola - Yes, my plan is for our son to be an environmental lawyer... or a tree-hugging activist. Whatevs.
- Nougat - This one was suggested by my brother and sister-in-law. If their next child is a boy, I'm more than willing to give it back to them. Nephew Nougat has a nice ring to it.
Okay, so I'm hungry right now. Sue me.
To our future kid if it turns out to be a son and he happens to read this... no, I was never actually going to call you any of these. Unless your first words are a Wookiee-esque snarl, then it's natch.
There are websites like The Darwin Awards that dedicate themselves to chronicling the stupidest deaths in history. People that were clearly so dumb they didn't deserve to go on.
But is there a site that reports on history's best deaths?
Yes, I firmly believe there are bad and good ways to leave this Earth-bound existence. One such good way was recently discovered by Robert Gene White of Texas who was pronounced dead at the age of 67 after being found unresponsive at a strip club.
Why is that so great? He expired before paying off a series of lap dances he received throughout the night.
Not that I want to die in a seedy strip club, but well played, Bobby. Well played.
