Being in the present allows us to see our kids for who they are, not who you think they should be.
Recently I noticed that I had gotten upset when my daughter Blake called and delivered some unexpected news. Brittany, her younger sister, had already heard the news, but never called me to see how I was dealing with it. After a short time I noticed that I was getting very angry with Brittany. Why didn’t she care about my feelings? How selfish she was, I thought.
By the time Brittany finally called me I was really annoyed with her and let her know it. She responded, “Mom, it never dawned on me that what Blake told you would upset you. Now that I think about it, I totally get it. I should have realized it but I didn’t. I didn’t look at it from a mom’s point of view. I’m sorry.” Needless to say my negative emotions evaporated on the spot.
I realized that my getting angry with someone in my family for doing something or not doing something had happened before and I decided I wanted to stop it from recurring. I asked Brittany (who is a certified Lefkoe Method facilitator) to help me find and eliminate whatever beliefs were causing my anger. I discovered that I had the belief: “Things should be a certain way and when they’re not it means I failed or did something wrong.”
After I eliminated this belief I saw how much my “pictures” of the way I wanted things to be got in the way of my being in the present moment. I was now able to just accept what is, rather than how I wish it were. I felt a freedom that I had never felt before.
My kids had always teased me about my “pictures”; the perfect family makes gingerbread houses during the holidays, carves pumpkins on Halloween, picnics together frequently, and children decide to live nearby after completing college. Well, guess what? Things don’t always turn out how we want them to.
One of our favorite family stories is “the pumpkin carving fiasco.” October arrived and Halloween was approaching. I went out and bought all the equipment needed to carve pumpkins. I was so excited about doing this as a family I couldn’t wait. Everyone had their own pumpkin and set of tools. I just knew it would be so much fun- something the kids would remember forever. When I called the kids down Blake yelled back, “I’m on the phone,” Britt was painting a picture and didn’t want to come, and Morty was busy with a project.
I waited patiently and begged them to come. After a while I started crying and telling everyone that what I wanted didn’t matter and how awful they were to not come downstairs and carve pumpkins together. What was set up to be a happy time together turned into a nightmare. Everyone was prepared to do it out of guilt, but no one was at all happy to be there. We laugh about it today but it wasn’t funny then. I was stuck in my “pictures.”
Kids make choices that we may not agree with: To give up the piano lessons we so desperately want them to have, to quit religious school, to quit their sport, to not go to our alma mater, to stop being friends with our best friend’s child, or to marry someone we don’t approve of. What do you have pictures about? The way you think things “should” be. What I learned from the pumpkin fiasco was how much my pictures kept me from being present in the moment. It kept me from enjoying what was rather than what I thought should be.
So, for the New Year, I suggest that you look at how much you operate out of your pictures with your kids; your dreams of them being the “athlete,” the “star of the play,” the “smartest kid in class,” or the one who always does as he’s told.
When you learn to accept “what is” you can deal it with effectively, without all the added emotion and disappointment. Being in the present allows us to see our kids for who they are, not who you think they should be.
Wishing you all a Happy New Year!
Shelly
Source:
http://www.giftediam.com/parenting-experts/shelly-lefkoe/to-live-in-our-pictures-or-to-live-in-the-present
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